PORN–A WINNABLE WAR!

And a war worth winning. Some guys have been at it for years and are saying, “I doubt it.” I connect with men who have learned as I have that walking in the light liberates. My first experience of this came when I was traveling through Europe after two years of seminary. I connected with an Operation Mobilization Team. The director asked if I wanted to walk in the light with him. Good idea. I just didn’t know what he meant. He said that he gets tempted to take a second look or a third, to focus on body parts, to think about it as he crashes at night. He said, “That’s not what I want,” and I’ll let you know on a daily basis how I am doing. Sounded like a decent idea. I agreed to do the same, because I was facing similar battles. I was amazed at how well it worked–as long as I stayed in the light. When I chose to hide, I had little power to overcome.

Since then I found out why. Jesus said that some “loved the darkness rather than the light, because their deeds were evil” (John 3:19). He later announced, “He who follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life” (John 8:12). Paul wrote, “What fellowship does light have with darkness?” (2 Cor. 6:14). And John proclaimed, “God is light, and in him is no darkness” (I John 1:5). We are commanded to “cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light” (Romans 13:12). Darkness is where things hide–and grow, like mold–and sin. We are told to “have nothing to do with the unfruitful works of darkness” (Eph. 5:11). We are fighting against “the cosmic powers over this present darkness” (Eph. 6:12).  For false teachers, the “gloom of utter darkness has been reserved” (2 P. 2:17; Jude 13). So if we choose the darkness, we are camping in Satan’s domain. He rules there. No wonder we can’t win in the dark. Good news–God “has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son” (Col. 1:13). Paul gives us a statement of identity, that we “are not in darkness” (I Thess. 5:4,5). Peter reminds us that God called us “out of darkness into his marvelous light” (1 P. 2:9).

However, Satan lies to us and says that if we come into the light, we will receive shame and rejection. John promises just the opposite: “If we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another. And the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin” (I John 1:17). Interesting. Instead of shame–forgiveness. Instead of rejection–fellowship, koinonia, the sharing of our lives with one another.

When we learn appropriate vulnerability by walking in the light and confessing our weakness, our struggles, our defeats, we receive just what we need. Satan is a liar and the Father of lies. In other words, lies are born out of connecting with him and walking in his territory. I am delighted to say that men I have been privileged to mentor have been discovering the glorious power of light, just as Scripture promised. Maybe you are next to experience this life-changing truth!

KAREN AND PAUL TO YOUNG SINGLES

 

What did we do to build a strong relationship while dating?

• We consulted with mature people, mentors,  parents, elders of our church. We wanted people to speak into our lives. Some couples may feel that their relationship is their private matter. Neither true nor wise. People we loved prayed for us and with us. We invited them into the discussion about a possible future together. Marriage was a new thing–we needed help.

 

• We talked about how we would express the physical side of our relationship. We didn’t let it take over the relationship and derail it. It had a place. We walked in accountability with people we respected. We did not arouse love until its time—marriage. In that way we built trust that continues to this day. Worth building during the dating period. Trust compromised is sometimes difficult to rebuild. We talked honestly about what we would and would not do. And we walked in the light with mentors. (Guys, if you struggle with porn, expose it. Don’t carry it into marriage).

 

• We did not spend a lot of time together. We limited ourselves to two times a week. We were looking to our future in which we would be together the rest of our lives. We didn’t need to be together every night to prove our love. That can put pressure on the proper growth of a relationship. We both lived in community, and we honored our household commitments. The purpose of engagement is to agree together that you will meet each other at the altar and live together “until death parts us.” It does not and should not mean that you double the amount of time you spend together. You may need to double your time at work, or with your mentor, or getting a house ready.

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• We did not spend any time together late at night. We did not put ourselves in situations where it would be easy to compromise our guidelines, like alone in an apartment. Familiarity breeds intimacy. That is for marriage. When we kissed, our feet didn’t leave the floor and our hands didn’t wander. It was not easy to hold to these commitments, but because we had asked for the help of others, we knew that we would be sharing with them if we stepped over the line. Walking in the light does not mean walking in perfection. It means exposing the darkness so you don’t live there.

 

• One month of our short engagement (two months and two weeks) was spent away from each other. It is a good way to develop creativity in love’s expression. Couples who must be apart don’t need to panic. Historically, the man was gone the whole engagement period getting the house ready. Remember–Jesus the Bridegroom left to prepare a place for us.

 

• We prayed for each other and with each other, but not until we knew we were in love and were heading to the altar. People who get overly spiritual too soon can also get physical too soon.

 

• Neither Karen nor I put all our marbles as single people in the marriage basket. Of course, we wanted to get married. But we managed as single people to find our joy in God. We knew that He was the center. Try not to make marriage the answer to your misery, or you might put pressure on your spouse.. May you find your life in Christ more than sufficient. As St. Paul said, “For me to live is Christ.”

HAPPINESS IS…

I find myself presently dealing with six marriages on the rocks. Some have hope, others lost it. Two have used the “d” word. I am trying to believe for them, when they are unable to believe for themselves. Rebuilding a broken marriage is no piece of cake. Takes work that some find daunting.

On the other side of the fence are single people who desperately want to be married. “Desperately” may not be a strong enough word. They look at couples enjoying life, having kids, doing the fun things families do, like going on vacations or watching a movie together. They know that they are meant to be married. Ouch. I tell singles, afraid that they may have the the gift of celibacy, “If you want to be married, you don’t have it.” Celibacy is for people who are called to it and rejoice in it (maybe).

So what I say to people on both sides of the fence: Life is not found in marriage or in the single life. People who are sad but know that once they get married all that will change could be in for a surprise. Singles who put all their marbles in the marriage basket better not leave them there if they get married. It would be too oppressive for their spouse.

I encourage engaged couples to write down their five biggest expectations for marriage, then throw them away. All too easy for an expectation to become a silent (or vocal) mandate for the partner: “You must do this for me to be happily married.” Rather than writing down expectations, try this: “Here are the five things I will do for you to make this marriage thrive.” A lifetime guarantee accompanies that posturing.

Not that I don’t understand the struggle of a single person desiring a spouse, a family, a legacy. But I still say, “Center your life on God. Be the best single person you can be. Paul regards it as a preferable station in life for people who want to have influence with others. The two most prominent people in the Bible were single. I know some single people who would make wonderful spouses but who chose to give their life away–like many missionaries have done.

They are champions, and their joy in eternity will mask any disappointment they may have felt in this life. They denied themselves, took up their cross, and followed Jesus. Instead of living in painful regret for what they didn’t have, they poured their life out and influenced many, something they probably could not have done the same way as married people. Paul writes like he understands: “Those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that” (I Cor. 7:28).

Likewise, I understand why marriage takes work. I failed as a young married man to give proper understanding to a young mother attempting to raise children with a religious husband. She forgave me. So Karen and I fight for marriages. God is a healing God. Bottom line: wherever you are, whatever you are–center your life in God.

A WORD TO A YOUNG MAN

 

I have mentored many young men. God has enabled me to believe in them, even when they cannot believe in themselves. I wrote Dare to Dream to help people of all ages, and especially young people, walk into their God-appointed destiny. If you are a releaser of dreams,  the next statement will hurt you as it hurts me, the words of a poet: “Most people die with the music still inside of them.” That includes those in the family of God. Makes me sad to see a life wasted on trivialities.

That is why I am presently investing in a young man with leadership potential whose future was derailed by bad decisions, but who is on the way back. He knows that I believe in him, and he is responding well. Recently I sent him what you can read below. I would be glad to send you the article I sent him: “Four Ways to Honor Your Parents.” It’s one of the big keys for young adults to walk into their future without baggage that slows them down.

1  Fully embrace your manhood. Men work hard and go to bed tired. They are supposed to. Work is a blessing from God. Find a good job that fits who you are and go for it. As you work, those above you will see what you are able to do. (Are you a salesman? You are good with people).  Men do not play video games–boys do. Men do not have time for it. They are pursuing higher goals. I have never played a video game. It would probably be fun, but I have higher goals than fun. I want to change people. You have a calling to be a leader, to influence others. Step into it. It is not about you.

2  Fully embrace your family, your heritage, your sibling, your parents. Read my article on honoring your parents. It promises a long life and a good life. What would people pay for those two priceless gifts? You will never regret getting close to your parents by honoring them. It will make your future with the family God gives you much more enjoyable.

3  Fully embrace your life in God. That is who you are. Do so enthusiastically. Make sure God is behind all that you do. The more I see you, the more I can help you walk into your future. Come to Lydia House. Engage with me–and with us. We are meant to live in Christ–together.

4  Fully embrace your future. You will be a dad someday. Act like it now. You will have kids looking up to you.  Start looking like the dad you will become. Live responsibly. A dad dies to himself to serve his family. I can see you doing that for others.

5  Pray and pursue. God wants to give you a wonderful wife. “He that finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22). Finding means looking. Being responsible for another human being grows you. And having kids grows you more. That is a good thing. Getting a good wife brings God’s favor. Cool!

ELEVEN REASONS FOR PRE-MARITAL PURITY

Sex is God’s idea. Satan has fooled many with the idea that God’s commands are too limiting, that “holy” and “happy” should not be used in the same sentence. Christians ask, “Why must we wait? We are engaged—or almost. It’s all right, at least not that wrong. Forgiveness is available.” Others acknowledge that they wanted to abstain but regretfully didn’t.

 

Why wait?

1. Waiting builds trust. If you can break God’s law now, you can break it after you are married. Karen and I have no doubts with each other. We started building trust when we dated.
2. Sex includes the possibility of a child. Are you ready to have a child? Not if you are not married. The first command given was to “be fruitful and multiply…” Sex is the consummation of marriage, not the preparation for. To join together sexually and yet not be prepared to accept all the responsibilities that accompany such action puts a strain on the relationship that God did not intend it to have.
3. Jesus affirmed the order of creation. He said, “Haven’t you read that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? (Matthew 19:4,5). Physical union is the privilege of a man and a woman committed to live together for life. Until a couple has made that commitment and gone public, they are not ready to have physical relationships. Jesus said so.
4. Intimacy is for marriage. Paul wrote that “it is better to marry than to burn with passion” (I Cor. 7:9). The solution the Bible offers to one whose passions are getting the best of him is to get married. Solomon writes, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”
5. You’re not married until you’re married. Many are engaged and break up. They give themselves away, then wish they had not. The soul ties created by illegitimate sex can wreak havoc on marriages. Using sex to get a mate could mean getting the wrong mate. Sexual involvement blinds couples to the will of God as the physical relationship takes precedence over the spiritual and relational. Don’t sleep with someone else’s future spouse.
6. Sex calls for boundaries. Like a power plant, strong and dangerous, it needs protection, which marriage provides. Sex without boundaries is a fire out of control. When sex does not include the borders of marriage, it cannot be enjoyed in the same way. Shame, guilt, doubt, distrust, and resentment often come from going ahead against the will of God. Sex on the sly does not bring the greatest fulfillment. It lacks the commitment that raises it to a higher level. (Warning: this blog is longer than usual).
7. Restraint is not repression. Jacob waited for Rachel because he loved her. Some men use the opposite reasoning: “Because I love you, I want you.” Love can wait; lust cannot. Are you planning on being married for life? Then can you wait six months to prove your love?       At the center of the cross is self-denial. Followers of Jesus know the value of crucifying fleshly passions. Our greatest need is not for pleasure; it is for holiness.
8. God knows how to enjoy sex. Satan does not. It is not that Satan is too passionate; he is not passionate enough. He separates sex from commitment, from child-bearing, from loving our partner God’s way, reducing the intensity and the joy of sexual love to irresponsible intimacy. Sex is more than a physical act; it is spiritual—every time.
9. Look at the casualties. If you have stepped over the line, would you say it was worth it? You reap what you sow, and when you sow patience, you reap character. Once virginity is given up, it is never recovered. God forgives. but forgiveness does not restore the original condition. Some brides and grooms wish they could give their partner the gift of virginity. A wedding day can be clouded over by a pregnant bride or by a couple who have given themselves to multiple partners. Wondering if you are pregnant (and desperately hoping you are not) is a lousy way to enjoy sex. And abortions are out of the question for committed Christians. But then—so is pre-marital sex.
10. Character counts. There are better tests for the choice of a marriage partner than physical compatibility. God provides a way to overcome temptation (I Cor. 10:13). Accountability to Christian friends can help. Engaged couples that pray together and walk in the light with mature Christian friends will look back on their engagement period with delight, not regret. According to the Bible, our bodies are not our own to do with them as we please. We give them to God to do as He pleases (Romans 12:1,2; I Cor. 6:19,20).
11. The Bible says to “flee sexual immorality.” That doesn’t mean seeing how close you can get to the fire without being burned. Don’t put yourself in an apartment alone if you want to live by biblical convictions. Acknowledge your weakness—and your hormones. If my children said, “Don’t you trust us, Dad,” I would answer, “Of course I don’t. And I don’t trust myself. That’s why I construct moral fences.” Don’t assume that you can do what you want and simply play the forgiveness card. He does not forgive those hardened by sin and living for personal pleasure. He does forgive those broken by sin—and treats them as if they have never sinned. The grace that forgives is also the grace that empowers us to live in a way that brings more than God’s forgiveness; it brings His favor.

So what if you have already crossed the line? What if you have tried to come back and can’t? Sexuality takes in much more than the physical. A complex of issues could be involved, like abuse, poor parenting, mistaken identity, loneliness, or depression. We are not looking for people to blame, but we may need to look for the need behind the deed in order to find freedom. Without the grace of God to carry you, these eleven principles will only crush you. They are fulfilled not by grit but by learning to trust the indwelling Holy Spirit. This may require the help of a mentor or counselor to bring you to freedom. Because the Christian life is described as a walk, a process rather than an event, you may not be able to count on one prayer session or one talk with a friend to break the power of sin. Know that God has liberty for you, even if it takes time and a battle. Remember that “there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

DOES SATAN LIKE SEX?

He hates it. Sex is God’s idea. It pictures God’s passionate love for His people and Christ’s affection for His Bride. The Bible tells a love story from cover to cover. It begins with a walk and ends with a wedding. The supper celebration goes on for an eternity. Top that!

Satan is not into pleasure. Hell is a miserable, thankless place. No one ever has a good day. Satan perverts every good gift of God, including sex. God puts joy into sex—the devil extracts it. Why else would we feel fear and guilt when we follow his schemes? He doesn’t want us to enjoy sex or even food (I Tim. 4:3).

He keeps us from true pleasure. He turns intimacy into abuse, perversion, or domination. David knew that “at thy right hand are pleasures forevermore,” not with the enemy.

Sex shows up in the first two chapters of the Bible, for goodness sakes. God tells His creation to “be fruitful and multiply.” I know only one way to fulfill that command. Then Eve shows up without clothes on, God’s gift for Adam. He says, “She is bone of my bone…”, which interpreted means, “Wow!” Physical union results. God has given those made in His image “the urge to merge.”

Satan shows up one chapter later to alienate Adam from Eve and both from God. Pleasure dissolves. Enter manipulation and blame.

Some remain unconvinced. They call desserts devilishly delicious or sinfully satisfying. “Nasty” means “delightful.” Decadent ice cream is supposed to be the best, as if Satan has an edge on ecstasy. He has not experienced pleasure since his fall. Some think that those not encumbered with the restraints experience more joy. Talk to them.

The psalmist struggled: “This is what the wicked are like—always carefree…Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure” (Psalm 73:12,13). He idealized their freedom: “They have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong. They are free from the burdens common to man” (4).

Think about it: fences define the game. Imagine baseball without a foul line. You just destroyed the sport. When everything goes, everything goes, including pleasure. Take away boundaries (we called it “free love” in the 70’s) and we just got lied to—neither freedom nor love.

The psalmist came to a true picture of life without walls: “When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny” (16,17). They look happy, but you cannot cope if you have no hope. Try living in their troubled mind. Take away a person’s tomorrow, and you just robbed him of his today.

Say “Satan,” and you just named the most miserable person in the universe. He strategizes to remove the world from every pleasure. What a mission statement! If he convinces you to break God’s moral laws, his sinister delight keeps him pumped enough to do it again. Then he calls you a moron for being so stupid and heaps shame on you. What a destiny!

Young adult: say yes to God. Don’t let Satan turn pleasure into an irresponsible act that depersonalizes women desperate enough to sell their bodies for industry. Ask them about pleasure. Charge the devil with abuse and murder—and don’t play into his hand. Honor God with your body and live free from guilt and shame.

TIME TO CHANGE THE WEDDING

If they had a wedding song in Bible days, it would be, “Here Comes the Bridegroom.” The bride was sequestered in her home, waiting for the big day. The bridegroom came at midnight with his happy band as she waited in anticipation with virgin maidens.

When the shout went out, it signaled his advance. She was kidnapped, taken to the home he had been preparing, and the celebration began. Talk about romance! Let’s give the groom more prominence. It’s been all about the bride.

A wedding recently took a step in that direction. He walked down to some well-chosen triumphant music that gave the impression a warrior prince was on the way. Then she came with her father to another well-selected piece of music. It would even be more charged with exalted emotion if the groom met her halfway and waited while the father gave a five-minute message on the virtues of his daughter before turning her over to the groom, who would walk her the rest of the way.

Then the pastor for the message would also highlight the character of the groom and bride. We trust that they have already studied the passages on marriage and read the good books. They do not need another teaching, and they probably can hardly listen anyway! Speaking to their character encourages character, not only in the couple but in all who are attending. It also strengthens a culture of honor. This is a special time to affirm the couple for the good choices they have made and the fruit of the Spirit they demonstrate.

I have been watching brides go crazy for years, spending big bucks, using the latest best idea for decorations, then acknowledging afterward, “It went so fast.” I’ve told couples, “If you can handle the horrendous wedding preparations, you deserve to be married.” Some brides have said, “I would definitely simplify if I had it to do again.” Now you’re talking, Sister!

Couples are being invited into a wedding tradition several thousand years old. Too over-spend distracts from the solemnity of the occasion. And it does not set a good precedent for the bride or her father to go into debt as Act One of their new life together.

Spend what you have, not what you think you want. Brides, you are not competing for the BWY (Bedding Wedding Yet). Reduce the number of attendants. Only one signs the marriage certificate. Borrow a wedding dress. You’ll only wear it once. Or buy a nice one and sell it afterwards on E-bay. Finger-food potlucks ease the budget. Relatives and friends would be happy to contribute. Or invite people to bring a big dish in lieu of a gift. It’s been done.

Forget the “save the date” postcard. Use email. Drop the expensive party favors and gifts to the wedding party. Too many details to take care of. Let’s change the culture and keep people out of debt and insanity. Let the groom’s side of the family pay half. At the Marriage Supper of the Lamb, the Father of the Bridegroom is paying the bill. And that one will be extravagant! (So yours doesn’t need to be).

One other matter: couples think that when they get engaged, they should be able to spend more time together. Not true. The purpose of the engagement is to guarantee you’re showing up on the wedding day. Now it’s time to get ready for the life together. That might mean working two jobs in order to buy and fix up a home. The more time an engaged couple spends together, the greater the temptation to step over the line. “Don’t arouse love before its time.” If you are spending four evenings a week together, you are asking for trouble. Pace yourself. Love can wait; lust cannot.

Think Jesus. He went to prepare a place for us. The next great event is His return and the Wedding Supper. Betrothed couples in Bible days made preparations for a good marriage rather than spending every waking moment together. That can reduce the chance of a successful marriage. They were planning a life, not a one-night celebration.

Typically, the father would tell the son when he had done sufficient preparation of the home to bring the new bride to. In like manner, no one knows the day when Jesus will return, not even the Son. When the Father says, “Behold, all things are now ready,” the Son will come on a white horse, dressed in His white robe, golden sash, eyes blazing with fire and face shining like the sun, with His army of glorious attendants (Rev. 1:13,14). He’s coming for His Bride. What a wedding!

THE BATTLE FOR PRE-MARITAL PURITY

Sex is God’s idea, not Satan’s. Yet Satan has managed to fool many, even in the church, with the idea that God’s commands are too limiting, that God must not know how to have the most fun, that “holy” and “happy” should not be used in the same sentence. So we have Christians asking, “Why must we wait? We are engaged, as good as married. We don’t think it’s wrong, at least not that wrong. And forgiveness is available.” Others acknowledge that they wanted to abstain but regretfully crossed the line.

 

So why wait?

1.  Waiting builds trust. If you can break the law of God now, you can break it after you are married. Karen and I have no doubts with each other. We started building that trust when we dated. We spoke about boundaries, because we wanted to please God in our relationship.
2. Sex includes the possibility of a child. Are you ready to have a child? Not if you are not married. The first command given was to “be fruitful and multiply…” Sex is the consummation of marriage, not the preparation. To join together sexually and yet not be prepared to accept all the responsibilities that accompany such action puts a strain on the relationship that God did not intend it to have.
3. Jesus affirmed the order of creation. He said, “Haven’t you read that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? (Matthew 19:4,5). Physical union is the privilege of a man and a woman committed to live together for life. That is why Jesus added, “So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” (v. 6). Until a couple has made that commitment and gone public, they are not ready to have physical relationships. Jesus said so.
4. Intimacy is for marriage. Paul wrote that “it is better to marry than to burn with passion” (I Cor. 7:9). The solution the Bible offers to one whose passions are getting the best of him is not to follow his passions but to get married. Solomon writes, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”  And that time, according to his love song, is the marital relationship.
5. You’re not married until you’re married. Many are engaged and break the engagement. They give themselves away, then wish they had not, because now they have a broken heart plus a strong bond with a person no longer with them. The soul ties created by illegitimate sexual relations can wreak havoc on marriages. Using sex to get a mate could mean getting the wrong mate. Sexual involvement blinds couples to the will of God as the physical relationship takes precedence over the spiritual and psychological. Being in God’s will trumps any station in life.
6. Sex needs boundaries. Like a power plant, strong and dangerous, it needs protection, which marriage provides. Sex without boundaries is a fire out of control. When sex does not include the borders of marriage, it cannot be enjoyed in the same way. Shame, guilt, doubt, distrust, and resentment often come from going ahead against the will of God. Peace, joy, and fulfillment result from doing it God’s way. Sex on the sly does not bring the greatest fulfillment because it lacks the commitment that raises sexual experience to a higher level.
7. Restraint is not repression. Jacob waited for Rachel because he loved her. Some men use the opposite reasoning: “Because I love you, I want you.” Love can wait; lust cannot. Are you planning on being married for life? Then can you wait six months to prove your love?  At the center of the cross is self-denial. Followers of Jesus know the value of crucifying fleshly passions. Our greatest need is not for pleasure; it is for holiness. “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be satisfied,” and that satisfaction lasts!
8. God knows how to enjoy sex. Satan does not. It is not that Satan is too passionate; it is that he is not passionate enough. He separates sex from commitment, from child-bearing, from loving our partner God’s way, reducing the intensity and the joy of sexual love to irresponsible intimacy. Sex is more than a physical act; it is spiritual—every time, and including God enriches it.
9. Look at the casualties. If you have stepped over the line, would you say it was worth it? How many people have you talked to who have said, “I wish I hadn’t waited?” You reap what you sow, and when you sow patience, you reap character. Once virginity is given up, it is never recovered. God forgives when we come in repentance, but forgiveness does not restore the original condition. Some brides and grooms wish they could give their partner the gift of virginity. A wedding day is heightened by two people joined together who have walked in purity. It can be clouded over by a pregnant bride or by a couple who have given themselves to multiple partners. Wondering if you are pregnant (and desperately hoping you are not) is a lousy way to enjoy sex. And abortions are out of the question for committed Christians. But then—so is pre-marital sex.
10. Character counts. There are better tests for the choice of a marriage partner than physical compatibility. So practice other ways of saying, “I love you.” Pre-marital sex is not inevitable. God provides a way to overcome the temptation (I Cor. 10:13). Accountability to Christian friends can help. Engaged couples that pray together and walk in the light with mature Christian friends will look back on their engagement period with delight, not with regret. Society clearly condones pre-marital sex. It has increased among Christian singles, but that does not make it right. According to the Bible, our bodies are not our own to do with them as we please. We give them to God to do as He pleases (Romans 12:1,2; I Corinthians 6:19,20).
11. The Bible says to “flee sexual immorality.” That doesn’t mean seeing how close you can get to the fire without being burned. Don’t put yourself in an apartment alone if you want to live by biblical convictions. Why test yourself by making out until you lose good judgment? Don’t fool yourself—and don’t test God. Acknowledge your weakness—and your hormones. Foreplay is meant to get your body moving toward a culmination. Stay away from the triggers. If you are no longer in full control, you are in a dangerous place. If my children said, “Don’t you trust us, Dad,” I would answer, “Of course I don’t. And I don’t trust myself. That’s why I have constructed moral fences.”  I am warning you because Jesus gave His listeners many warnings. So did the apostle Paul. Jesus Christ is Lord, and He is the Lord of every area of our lives, not the least of which is our relationships with the opposite sex. Learn to live under His Lordship with freedom and joy. Don’t assume that you can do what you want and simply play the forgiveness card. He does not forgive those hardened by sin and living for personal pleasure. He does forgive those broken by sin—and treats them as if they have never sinned. The grace that forgives is also the grace that empowers us to live in a way that brings more than God’s forgiveness; it brings His favor.

So what if you have already crossed the line? What if you have tried to come back and can’t? Sexuality takes in much more than the physical. A complex of issues could be involved, like abuse, poor parenting, mistaken identity, loneliness, or depression. We are not looking for people to blame, but we may need to look for the need behind the deed in order to be “more than conquerors” as the Bible promises. Without the grace of God to carry you, these eleven principles will only crush you. They are fulfilled not by grit but by learning to trust the indwelling Holy Spirit. This may require the help of a mentor or a counselor to bring you to freedom. Because the Christian life is described as a walk, a process rather than an event, you may not be able to count on one prayer ministry session or one talk with a friend to break the power of sin. Know that God has liberty for you, even if it takes time and a battle. Remember that “there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

GOD’S WILL FOR YOUR (SEX) LIFE

Have you tried to challenge a young adult to live a holy life? Not easy in a culture where texting turns to sexting. A girl at college asked one of my sons she had just met in class, “Are you into sex?” What I grew up learning as an activity for married people had morphed into a form of cheap entertainment.

The cities where Paul planted churches lived by one rule: anything goes. And it went. Even the gods messed around. Sin is not a new invention.

The newly born-again in thoroughly pagan Thessalonica encountered the shock of their lives. With the Holy Spirit now making their bodies a temple rather than a garbage dump, they were called to a completely different style of living. The only temples they knew about housed patrons who served as prostitutes. Now their new faith called them higher, and nothing from their past, even ancient past, prepared them for this massive paradigm shift.

So they asked the most basic questions, like, “What is the will of this holy God for our lives?” The apostle, who was whisked out of town after forming a Christian community because of hostile Jews, longed to return and give them an answer face to face. He had to settle for a written communication. Here’s what he told them: “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you” (I Thessalonians 4:3-6).

What they had grown up giving into they were now told to avoid. To be sanctified means to be set apart for special use. Their bodies were given a new purpose. Rather than indulging in whatever the body demanded, they were told to take command over the body because of the holy God who now lived in it. God actually had a plan for their bodies, and it was a different one than they had ever experienced. They needed to learn the word “no,” and practice it in relation to sexual immorality, the English phrase for the Greek word “porneia,” from which we get pornography.

God has a plan for me, and it includes a new way of living. Instead of the axiom, “Do as you please,” we now do as God’s pleases, because the Creator of the universe and of my body knows best. So I am in charge of my body, not my body in charge of me. I am not led along by the desires of my body. I don’t give in to any and every urge that my body demands, any more than I satisfy every urge for food. So the correct answer to that college girl is simply, “No, I’m not into sex, but I will be when I get married. How about you?”

One can serve in the military in a way that is called honorable. But one can also be given a dishonorable discharge. In the same way, one can live in one’s body in a dishonorable way. Paul was calling his new friends in Thessalonica to a different place. He said that his God was different from the Greek gods. He was holy. And His children would take after Him. To be godly means to be like God.

Lust and love are close in the dictionary but miles apart in life. Lust takes; love gives. Lust says, “I want what you can give me. Love says, “I want to give, not just get.” Taking advantage of other people demonstrates lust, not love, self-love, not love for others. Amnon, King David’s oldest son, wanted Tamar, so he took her against her will. Then he hated her after getting what he wanted.

Paul gives the positive, then the negative in the word to his Thessalonian friends, and his negative is a strong one. We might expect him to tell them, “The Lord will forgive men for all such sins.” Instead he writes, “The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you” (v. 6b). So Paul had addressed this with them before, but they would need plenty of reminders—and warnings. Rather than teach them how to play the forgiveness card, he lets them know that his God treats immorality much differently than Greek gods. And getting disciplined by God was more severe than a slap on the wrist.

We remember Solomon’s words, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.” Our Greek friends were learning wisdom in relation to their bodies. May we do the same!